HOMELAND SECURITY ALL-STARS 2004

Jul 1, 2004 12:00 PM, By PAUL ROTHMAN

They may not be playing at Houston's Minute Maid Park this July, but America's 2004 Homeland Security All-Stars will be taking the field for high stakes in the interest of protecting us all.

LEFT FIELD

DHS Under Secretary of Science and Technology Chuck McQueary

SCOUTING REPORT: In addition to being a solid fielder and excellent hitter, serves as the team's equipment manager. Uncanny ability to find and deploy the newest advances in technology, including state-of-the-art batting cages, maplewood bats and a variety of detection systems.

CENTER FIELD

Commissioner of Customs and Border Protection Robert C. Bonner

SCOUTING REPORT: Balls go into center field, but like a black hole, they don't come out again. Catches everything from lazy fly balls to hard-hit line drives before they can get past the center field “border” wall. Has the raw arm power to keep opposing runners in check. Additionally responsible for keeping opposing players out of the team locker room.

RIGHT FIELD

DHS Counternarcotics Officer Roger Mackin

SCOUTING REPORT: Long arms make it difficult to get any balls past him and even more difficult to run against him. Has the team's highest batting average, getting either a base hit or a drug arrest just short of every third time he comes to the plate. Can easily spot opposing players who may be using steroids.

SHORTSTOP

Acting Transportation Security Administration administrator David M. Stone

SCOUTING REPORT: His best asset may be his glove, and he is quick at turning the transit double play, airports and train stations. One of the team's most exciting players, he is Talways concerned with keeping the fans satisfied while he plays the field.

SECOND BASE

Federal Emergency Management Agency head Michael D. Brown

SCOUTING REPORT: Known for his quick reactions to hard-hit ground balls. Another team leader, he has the ability to quickly rally most of his teammates together in response to any tactic the opposing team may employ. Bats leadoff with tremendous reaction speed on the base paths.

THIRD BASE

DHS Under Secretary for Information Analysis and Infrastructure Protection Frank Libutti

SCOUTING REPORT: Has great discipline and understanding at the plate. A student of the game, he tirelessly examines cutting-edge techniques other teams may employ to disrupt information flow. Solid fielder with quick response times.

PITCHER

President George W. Bush

SCOUTING REPORT: The heart and soul of the team. Relies heavily on his best pitch, budgeting and funding legislation, to keep America safe. Opposing batters must beware of his curveball, also known as the U.S. military.

FIRST BASE

DHS Inspector General Clark Kent Ervin

SCOUTING REPORT: Plays at first base because he catches and sees everything, and always reports his findings on other players and teams to management. Could be called the team's watchdog, making certain all the players are practicing and following the team's rules and procedures.

CATCHER

Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge

SCOUTING REPORT: Like a coach on the field, managing base runners and pitch counts. Keeps all the players (and fans) constantly informed of potential steals and squeeze plays coming from other teams. One of the bigger bats in the lineup, he commands attention when at the plate.

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