Editors Letter

Jan 1, 1998 12:00 PM, Larry Anderson

The New Year puts us in the mood to make predictions here at Access Control & Security Systems Integration. After all, isn't it a long and honored tradition among journalists to stroke their collective chins at the beginning of January and proclaim authoritatively and with feeling what those less "in the know" can expect in the months ahead?

When it comes to making predictions, it turns out that everybody wants to get in the act. So those of us here who are "in the know" - and the others, too, for that matter - worked diligently in the waning days of 1997 to come up with a comprehensive list of what to expect in the New Year. With thanks to Kate Doherty and George Partington for the use of their crystal balls, here are our predictions:

* Three young professionals will become victims of a mysterious fliction, and will be found dead on the street in a fashionable section of New York's Upper East Side. Cause of the tragedy, according to police: "They were paged to death."

* After an attempted bombing, federal authorities will conclude that the ingredients used to make the bomb are so common that 23.5 percent of the nation's adult population should be considered suspects.

* In separate incidents, a well-known football coach, an aging rock star, a daytime television talk show host and El Ni-o will be caught trying to sneak more than 10 items through an express lane.

* A scientific and statistically projectable study will conclude that the rate of crime at a shopping mall is inversely proportional to the height of the "big hair" of the mall's patrons.

* An emerging application for CCTV: surveillance of long lines waiting to buy Beanie Babies.

* A new scandal will erupt on Capitol Hill when it is discovered that video cameras have caught a low-level aide assaulting a vending machine in an attempt to dislodge a bag of Fritos. When the effort is unsuccessful, the aide will tell the Congressional Budget Office the machine "ate" his money.

* The number of teenagers will remain constant as the mass of children deciding they know everything (age 13) is offset by the mass of young adults figuring out they don't have a clue (age 20).

* A group of disgruntled postal workers, enraged by the proliferation of e-mail and electronic commerce, will unleash a complex computer virus that will make the screens of personal computers look like the view inside a microwave oven. ("I thought that baked potato never would beep," comments Maybelle Shepherd of Unadilla, Ga.)

* A Geo Metro will be totaled by the repeated malfunctioning of a security gate in a parking lot in Las Vegas. Observers will compare the scene to repeated action of a nearby casino's slot machines.

* It will be revealed that Elvis is alive and the owner of his own security equipment distributorship. Recording in a private home studio since his "death," it will come to light that the "King of Rock 'n' Roll" has produced enough material to fill nine records. All but the ninth - which will consist mostly of Elvis coughing repeatedly and asking for a glass of water - will achieve platinum status. The ninth will become a gold record, boosted by sales to diehard completists.

* An economic summit of the world's leaders will be canceled because security is so tight that even the leaders cannot access the meeting site.

* Crime among teenagers will decrease dramatically as they discover how ard it is to elude security and police officers while wearing baggy pants.

* The world will be a more secure place in 1998, thanks to the efforts of our readers, who show untiring devotion in the face of actual events that can challenge the foresight of the most skilled prognosticators.

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© 2008 Penton Media Inc.

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