LESS THAN SERIOUS Worst Predictions for 2005

Jan 1, 2005 12:00 PM

In his search for a new Homeland Security Secretary, President Bush will decide to go with a team approach — and will name the entire cast of CSI: MIAMI AS HIS BRAIN TRUST.

Low-carb dieting will result in an oversupply of carbohydrates, and a Sheboygan, Wis., think tank will propose using carbs as an alternative fuel source. Initial consumer response will be enthusiastic — until motorists tire of STUFFING POTATO CHIPS INTO THEIR GAS TANKS.

In the world of televised poker, a new player will make a meteoric rise in the rankings. It will be said that CHRIS “CARD TABLE” VOSBERG (A.K.A., CCTV) can see an opponent's hand from any angle — pan, tilt or zoom.

In a desperate, last-ditch effort to finally win a Super Bowl ring, former MIAMI DOLPHINS QUARTERBACK DAN MARINO will bypass stadium and field security and pose as “Daniel Marinara,” the fifth-string quarterback of the New England Patriots.

In honor of Blockbuster's “No More Late Fees” campaign, TSA officials will institute the “NO MORE WAIT, PLEASE” campaign. At the ISC show, a supplier will introduce a new video monitor the size of a New York apartment — under the trademark HDTV, which stands for “Heavy Damn TV.”

A new sitcom will emerge: “THE NANNY 2,” STARRING BERNARD KERIK as a mob-connected policeman who threatens to deport his illegal nanny after she attempts to break up his extramarital affairs with two women. Critics will say Kerik's performance is “amazingly true-to-life.”

The newly introduced X-BOX-PLUS will revolutionize the video game industry, with state-of-the-art 3-D graphics, fast action, and a digital video connection to the local strip club where the action really takes place.

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© 2012 Penton Media Inc.

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