Not a Laughing Matter

Jun 1, 2005 12:00 PM

1. THE U.S. POSTAL SERVICE announced today that it was recalling the new FAA Security postage stamp.

   People were spitting on the wrong side.

2. THE HOMELAND SECURITY TEAM has implemented a flawless method of identifying terrorists at security checkpoints.

   They call it “autopsy.”

3. AN AMERICAN TRAVELING ABROAD was asked about life in the United States after September 11 and the resulting Homeland Security measures. “How do you deal with terrorist threats?”

   “Today's terrorists just won't negotiate. Basically, you have to give them what they want. You wait in line forever, let them invade your privacy as much as they like, and hope they let you go on your way instead of throwing you in jail for carrying a toothpick or something.”

4. A NEW YORK FIREMAN, an American mother of three, and John Ashcroft are the only survivors of a plane crash in the Pacific Ocean. They all wash up on a desert island where, half drowned, the fireman spots a lamp in the sand. As soon as he touches it, a genie emerges in a cloud of smoke.

   “I am the Genie of the Lamp,” he intones. “Because you have released me, I will grant you each one wish.”

   The mother breaks into tears. “Oh, thank you, thank you!” she cries. “I just want to fly back home to my babies!”

   “Very well,” says the genie, and a pontoon plane appears by the shore, its pilot beckoning to her. Happily she runs off and climbs aboard.

   “All I want,” says the fireman, “is to return to my fire station in New York. People there rely on me to help them in times of trouble.”

   “Very well,” intones the genie, and another plane pops out of nowhere to idle next to the first. The fireman runs out and climbs aboard.

   “And what is your wish?” the genie asks John Ashcroft.

   “Get those people back here. They haven't been properly searched!”

5. A KID IS SITTING ON A DEPARTMENT-STORE SANTA'S LAP, and Santa decides to have a little fun.

   “So, sonny,” he says, “You may have heard about me. I know when you've been sleeping, I know when you're awake. I know when you've been bad or good, OK? So be good, for goodness' sake!”

   The kid's eyes have been getting wider during this little speech, and finally he says, “Who ARE you? John Ashcroft?”

6. A WOMAN WENT TO THE AIRPORT for a flight to Omaha. She joined the long line at the security checkpoint for Concourse B, and waited. By the time she reached the head of the line, it was clear that she would miss her flight if it took off as scheduled.

The guard took a look at her ticket, and said, “I'm sorry. You've got a problem here.”

“Yes,” she sighed. “It looks like I won't make this flight to Omaha.”

“No,” the guard explained. “This is the line for missing the flight to Houston. The line for missing your flight to Omaha is at Concourse C.”

For more, visit www.kiva.net~kvc/HomSec/jokes

1-4, 6: BY KENT B. VAN CLEAVE 5: SUBMITTED BY DWAYNE BALL/TOLD BY JOHN ASHCROFT

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© 2012 Penton Media Inc.

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